Merry Christmas from the Yanceys 2012!

Hey this is Cymfanie. My dim-wit of a mother went and had some “surgery” to help her “feel better.” My mom always sleeps on her stomach so when the doctor doing the augmentation put her under she instantly rolled over. Because my mom is so freakishly skinny with leathery tanned skin, the doctor didn’t notice and, well, installed her new assets onto her back. Pretty hilarious. Anyway, since my mom is out of commission and Jefanie is off to school I get the joyous task of writing this stupid family letter.

Mom still sent her fancy Christmas card to all the people she really cares about. She bought some old parchment from a museum.  The paper came from historical documents so mom printed our family picture and letter on the backside. The picture was one of those trendy family pictures where we all wore red jackets and blue jeans in front of some abandoned warehouse covered in graffiti and broken windows. She said it made it look “rustic.” Dad said it looked like the cast picture of The Walking Dead. That is fitting since my family is comprised of a bunch of zombies anyway.

Our family moved to some insanely large house in Clearfield this year. The best part about it was the real reason we moved. Mom has gotten into all these essential oils that are around and has made some mixture to reduce her wrinkles. She used it four times each day for months. We were at this church activity at one of the pools and when she jumped into the hot tub, she steeped like a tea bag. They had to bring in HAZMAT and it was all over the news.  She had our house for sale the next day.

Of course, mom is still involved in all kinds of crap. She has that stupid No Pay Shui business still and has dominated all of the community theater in Davis, Weber and Morgan counties. Her scrapbook about her essential oil fiasco is actually pretty impressive. Her Xtrafowl company has hundreds of distributors and at least keeps my allowance coming.

Dad trained as a massage therapist this year. He got bit by a rattlesnake and had some spiritual experience he has called “my moment”. I call it antivenin + morphine.  He now walks around in pajama bottoms and never wears a shirt or shoes. He has recorded two CDs about meditation. The first is called I Didn’t Inhale which is all about breathing by only exhaling. I don’t get it. The other one is called Thunder Whispers where he whispers the word “thunder” over and over for 90 minutes. It has sold 6 million copies.

So Jefanie was missing for about six months after she went off to UC-Berkeley. What happened was she became a groupie for a band that does polka covers of Grateful Dead songs. She followed them on a national tour to St. Louis where they had a Grateful Dead polka festival. After the festival she was confused which band she was following and wound up following another band to Florida. She thought Gainsville, Florida was Berkeley, California and just started to attend class. She still managed to make homecoming queen, raise $24,000 for charity, made the varsity basketball team and broke the world record for eating buffalo wings.

I am 14 now and ready to move out. I decided to give up the tuba and start playing the sousaphone to better express myself. That, and graffiti. I started tagging my initials “C-O-Y” (Cymphanie Olivia Yancey) all over the place to make my mark. The sheep up here in Clearfield confused COY with the Japanese carp “Koi” and thought it was a sign of an Asian gang moving into their perfect little community. The fuzz swarmed the Korean family that lives next door and was about to charge them with drug possession and distribution. Finally, they realized that what they thought was drugs was really kimchi and dropped the charges.

My brother is 8 and always smells like dirt.

Somehow the high antioxidant chickens began to multiply out of control just like the multilevel structure of mom’s vita-chicken business. Anyway, since the chickens are multiplying so fast, they are undergoing a huge amount of evolution. In fact, there are thousands that seem to have developed human intelligence. Their leader is named Mr. Clucky and is like a normal chicken except he has opposable thumbs and a slight British accent. All he does is draws diagrams and keeps talking about December 21^st. All the other chickens just stand in formation looking ominous.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on in our boring world. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that crap. Good luck during the chicken apocalypse.

Love,

Jeff, Stephanie, Jefanie, Cymphanie and Mr. Clucky, our new gallus overlord.